06 Sep god is on the bathroom floor
I miscarried last month, and I started nursing school, and I’ve had the same infection for 9 months, through 18 rounds of antibiotics.
and I feel like the last 7 years of my life have held so much pain, and so much sadness, and it chokes me. I yearn for softness. I have fought uphill through the mud for my health, for my happiness, my entire life. I want my daughter to have a sibling, I want to not be in pain, and I’m scared I’m running out of time.
every single night I scream into the void: “I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.” and yet I know that she tethers me here; so here, I will remain.
September is suicide awareness month.
my pastor has mentioned this blog post a couple of times in the last 5 years; I always keep it pulled up, in the 45 open tabs on my phone.
“I fear sometimes that when I die and meet with God, that He will say I disappointed Him, or offended Him, or failed Him. Maybe He’ll say I just never learned the lesson, or that I wasn’t grateful enough. But one thing I know for sure is this: He can never say that He did not know me.
I am God’s downstairs neighbor, banging on the ceiling with a broomstick. I show up at His door every day. Sometimes with songs, sometimes with curses. Sometimes apologies, gifts, questions, demands. Sometimes I use my key under the mat to let myself in. Other times, I sulk outside until He opens the door to me Himself.
I have called Him a cheat and a liar, and I meant it. I have told Him I wanted to die, and I meant it. Tears have become the only prayer I know. Prayers roll over my nostrils and drip down my forearms. They fall to the ground as I reach for Him. These are the prayers I repeat night and day; sunrise, sunset.
…….
Even on days when I’m not so sick, sometimes I go lay on the mat in the afternoon light to listen for Him. I know it sounds crazy, and I can’t really explain it, but God is in there—even now. I have heard it said that some people can’t see God because they won’t look low enough, and it’s true.
If you can’t see him, look lower. God is on the bathroom floor.” – Nightbirde